"Where I've been" is trying to edit and self-publish a book! (I had no idea...the elitism that sems to pervade the publishing industry may just be well-deserved...this is so hard, that is, if you want to do it right and I am certainly plagued with that disease!) I have plunged deep into the mysterious and terrifying world of copyright permissioning. I have been tracking down and e-mailing authors and publishing houses, seeking their written permission to reference their intellectual property in my little 100 copy book run! For the most part, especially among the smaller publishing houses, I have met with good will and generosity. However, some of the larger firms have scared me enough to change my mind about quoting and, let me just say, there will be NO song lyrics quoted in my book, even though I am a passionate babbler about the spiritual meanings behind "secular" pop lyrics!
I never dreamed there could be this much legal minutia and red tape in the simple exercise of writing down one's free speech! What a strange world it seems where people own ideas and words as possessions, and the value placed on honest thought is determined by the market. In my deepest, and least useful, moments of wonderment, I have questioned whether ANY thought is ever purely original! Do we just, in thermodynamic accuracy, pass around the same energy of thought, expressing it through different lips, eyes, paintbrushes and laptops? Is there just one ocean of swirling truth that passes between us all, nothing being created or destroyed, just changing forms? (Told you it was deep--and useless...)
In my more practical moments (and I don't do those well or often), I have wished for a long talk with God about the reasons in his grand design that I didn't just "get published". Why couldn't I have been the one in my half a million people that someone discovered in obscurity and took on as a project? In addition to wearing that badge of validation ("published author"), I would have been able to use in conversation the important sounding phrase, "my editor", referring to the person assigned to help take my pages of messy potential from manuscript to marketable copy! And presumably, "my editor" would have helped me convince the world that I didn't want to exploit their intellectual property!
Until today I had no answer to satisfy me regarding the necessity of this "indie" journey, only a couple of dozen folks who kept reassuring me that self-publishing was the way to go, few of whom had actually done it! But today, as I was changing yet another wording in my little book, sanity suddenly erupted from within and I had, yes, wait for it---another epiphany. I realized, seriously, that in my promised land of publishing, I had allowed myself to adopt the mentality of the ten unbelieving spies, rather than the faith of Joshua and Caleb. I was saying, basically, "There are giants in the land and I'm just a grasshopper in their eyes," as if they held the key to my future. This as opposed to the more God-pleasing Joshua and Caleb who viewed the same giants, but simply said, "Let's do it!"
In that moment of clarity, I realized my independence! I am not dependent on who else I point to for validation. Strip away every reference in my writing to those whom I respect (already "published" authors) and even my wonderful references to current trends (so often made via song lyrics), and I still have something to say! Deny me permission to quote and confine me to what I am absolutely sure came only from my private musings, and I still have a message. I am not an echo; rather, I am making my own sound! The opposition and the obscurity and the feeling that a thousand gates into the market had been barred were worth it all! To take the "promised land" metaphor forward into complete overkill: In the fearful dance I was doing to avoid treading on others' intellectual property, I had somehow discovered that the territory on which I stood really was my own! Admidst the clamor, I had heard my own voice.
In my favorite book by C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces, (which is also one of his most unknown), the main character, after years of stoic and noble endurance, finally pours out a long and resentful complaint about her lot in life to the supernatural powers-that-be. Like a geyser of venom, all her confused resentment erupts without warning. In the shock of hearing herself, she finds an amazing thing. She realizes that, for the first time, she has really heard her own voice.
I have been writing for years, giving it my all, nobly enduring rejection and obscurity and, even recently, trying to live in positive anticipation on this new route of "self-publishing". But, like C.S. Lewis' Orual, my life's journey has finally pushed me into a corner that has caused me to dig deep. I almost gave up, thinking it was too much trouble. But, today, staring at my computer screen while editing my book, I believe that I have really heard my own voice. From the place within that is accessed only by real-time struggle, I realized that I really do have something to say! Giants in the publishing land (or church land, or educational land, or legal land) notwithstanding, I refuse to declare myself a grasshopper any longer, for I have heard my own authentic voice. Something on paper is just a matter of time.
Kingdom interdependence is real and I desperately need (and always will need) my friends and journeymates. But the Kingdom is scored by authentic sounds, created by those who lean on no one else and worry about nothing else. So, here's to all you Kingdom dreamers who have been tempted to resign yourselves to being an echo--don't give up. The world is changed by authentic voices, but they, like diamond, are formed only by underground pressure. Your struggle is worth it. (Perhaps, like me, you have felt desperate to get your voice heard, when in fact, you might have been in the process of actually hearing it yourself! We seem to all run ahead of God's train unknowingly.)
When Jesus interrupted the persecution efforts of Saul of Tarsus, he told him, "I will make you a minister and witness..." (Acts 26:16) In the most dramatic conversion in history, Saul became Paul. But what followed was not immediate public ministry. Paul spent 14 or so years in the wilderness of Arabia being, as Jesus had promised, "made"! The apostle who emerged from the desert was no echo, but an authentic voice--one that is still speaking to literal millions today.
It's all an "indie" journey, really. We are all really self-publishing something with this life that has been given us. We are all recording from the studio in our own basement. Even if we find a way to mass produce the message, the quality all goes back to the work that has been done (and is being done) in our own hearts. So...walk on...and trust...and discover the joy that God takes in bringing forth your authentic voice!
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Why not?
Ok, so it's been a while since I posted. More about why later...
For now, I just want to humble myself and admit something. My starry-eyed dreamer tendency lives on amidst the skepticism that would try to silence it! And sometimes that dreamer thing makes me simply gullible! Just when I thought I had grown up, I came across a poetry contest e-mail that looked really good! I actually believed that they wanted to publish profound poetry, rather than sell me something which appealed to my need for recognition and flattery! I wanted with all my heart to provide them with profound poetry! I thought this could be destiny!!! I admit it: I fell in!
Funny thing, however, I really liked the poem that I composed on the spot as my entry. So, I am publishing it here in cyberspace for free, rather than in a global treasury which sells for $49.95 or something... Perhaps it will add a bit of inspiration to your day, and having you read it will certainly redeem the time I wased on filling out my entry form! Here it is, just what I was feeling on a gullible day: "Why not?"
Why not?
Why not,
When days morph into waking dreams
And nights go deep like blackened screams
Why not give up?
Why not,
As hope begins to wane
And passion pales but pain's the same
Why not grow cold?
Why not,
When data drains the soul
And chaos orders the banishment of control,
Why not fly away?
But why not
If love is anywhere ablaze
And sand still drops in hourglass haze
Why not try again?
Perhaps we find the signs and times
Lost along the grueling climb
When sparks of love are allowed to shine...
Why not?
That's it...and now that I think about it, maybe there are more poetry contests to enter for dreamers...? I'd probably enter one again... Hope is a valuable commodity in this age of cycnicism...Why not?
For now, I just want to humble myself and admit something. My starry-eyed dreamer tendency lives on amidst the skepticism that would try to silence it! And sometimes that dreamer thing makes me simply gullible! Just when I thought I had grown up, I came across a poetry contest e-mail that looked really good! I actually believed that they wanted to publish profound poetry, rather than sell me something which appealed to my need for recognition and flattery! I wanted with all my heart to provide them with profound poetry! I thought this could be destiny!!! I admit it: I fell in!
Funny thing, however, I really liked the poem that I composed on the spot as my entry. So, I am publishing it here in cyberspace for free, rather than in a global treasury which sells for $49.95 or something... Perhaps it will add a bit of inspiration to your day, and having you read it will certainly redeem the time I wased on filling out my entry form! Here it is, just what I was feeling on a gullible day: "Why not?"
Why not?
Why not,
When days morph into waking dreams
And nights go deep like blackened screams
Why not give up?
Why not,
As hope begins to wane
And passion pales but pain's the same
Why not grow cold?
Why not,
When data drains the soul
And chaos orders the banishment of control,
Why not fly away?
But why not
If love is anywhere ablaze
And sand still drops in hourglass haze
Why not try again?
Perhaps we find the signs and times
Lost along the grueling climb
When sparks of love are allowed to shine...
Why not?
That's it...and now that I think about it, maybe there are more poetry contests to enter for dreamers...? I'd probably enter one again... Hope is a valuable commodity in this age of cycnicism...Why not?
Saturday, July 23, 2005
What we are all about...
I can't get it out of my mind, this "context" thing... Even while we travelled up from Texas to Nebraska to celebrate my husband's parents' 50th wedding anniversary, amidst the golden decorations and reunions with family and friends, the theme kept running through me like an undercurrent.
I've been thinking of the Joseph of amazing technicolor dreamcoat fame. If ever a man dreamed beyond the confines of his current "context", it was Joseph the Hebrew. His brothers had absoltely no grid in which to cast his dreams--dreams which, to their mind, violated cultural sensibilities and identified Joseph as a selfish aggrandizer. Joseph's faher, Jacob, had the heart to provide his favored son a context, but couldn't wrap his head around the dream's implication that he would bow down to his own son! Amazingly, Joseph, the man given dreams by God, found NO context in God's earthly expression, the nation of Israel, the offspring of Abraham. Abraham had looked for a city that was not of this earth, but Jacob and his sons couldn't see past their own camels.
So, Joseph, through no choice of his own, was forced to find context in a foreign land! He was forced outside the covenant of promise into Egypt, a land large enough to accommodate a vision from eternity and a gifted heart. In Egypt, the reaction to Joseph's abilities (and yes, Joseph may have been more hesitant to show them off after his pit experience), was not a threatened one, but rather one of appreciation. First in Potiphar's house, then in prison and ultimately in the palace of Pharaoh, Joseph found context for his visionary giftedness. In fact, it was the pharaoh himself who provided Joseph with the ultimate context for the fulfillment of his youthful dreams! Look at Pharaoh's reaction when he sees the gift in the Hebrew slave whose vision exceeds all his own magicians'. He does not react with intimidation, as did the brothers and even the father. Rather, he is secure enough in his position (as pharaoh's generally were) to follow a John Maxwell leadership principle and put the guy with influence in his cabinet!!!!
It amazes me that the "world" provided more context for Joseph than the "church" of his day, but then again it is vaguely familiar (I refer you back to the previous blog entry where U2 was discussed...). What is more amazing is the reason that this was the case. Was it that Pharaoh--all-powerful in government--feared no challenge to his authority, or was it instead that the Egyptian culture had more appreciation for the value of the supernatural and the prophetic than the nation of Israel? Either way, we should feel challenged.
Someone once said that while the release of the prophetic in the church presents a challenge to religion, the apostolic presents a challenge to politics! In other words, a true apostolic church is one who understands how to create context, that is, to release and make room for ministry, rather than nervously hold on to title and position (And believe me, I know what fear that strikes into even the purest of hearts...making room can be messy!) But, if a pagan pharaoh can believe it is his destiny to rule a land, how much more can Christian leaders relax in the notion that their own place is secure!! Pharaoh had no real connection to God, only a sense of the eternal! We have the confidence of relationship with the living God--the administrator of the whole big picture! We do not have to fear his misplacing our resume!
Old Testament Egypt has always been an allegory for the world and rightly so. But more than ever we live in a world that is open to the supernatural. We live in a world that is more ready to accept dreamers and seers than perhaps ever before. We live in a world that is open to the art and expression that comes from the furnaces of true spirituality. Wouldn't it be sad--no tragic--if only Egypt celebrated the Christian art we criticized? Wouldn't it be sad if the word "grace" became more understood in Pharaoh's palace than at the altar??? It doesn't have to be this way.
I mentioned the 50th anniversary reunion for my husbands' parents. Because Peg and Eldon Brownback are rare individuals who have spent a lifetime creating a haven for the hurting while asking nothing in return, all kinds of relatives turned out to honor them. Many of them had not been to a family event of this kind in years and there was a real sense of joy about getting together. One nephew cooked a huge celebratory meal complete with french names for the hors d'oeuvres and everything. A true artist, Charlie was in the kitchen all day, entertaining us with humor and educating us to the joys of food properly prepared--demonstrating all the while that, like food, life itself should be savored! At the end of the day, someone started a conversation about church and Charlie explained the reasons why he did not attend, even though he believed in God quite strongly. I couldn't help myself--I went there! "Charlie," I said, "What if there were a church that allowed you to be you--wild man that you are? What if there were a place that did it without the pretense and the rank and formality and what if you could experience church as true fellowship--heart-to-heart--as you have here with us?" I went on to say, "You are the kind of person who gives their whole heart to everything--I can tell that easily--and you are the first kind of person who gets hurt in many churches who don't know how to handle your zeal and candor. But, I believe God is doing a new thing and helping the church become truly a place where you no longer have to pretend and where you can be youself and know a God who only wants to pour out his life upon you, rather than conform you to a mold of religiosity!"
Poor Charlie--he had pushed my context button! He was ready to exit my presence after my little preaching stint (and who could blame him), but as he turned to go, he said, "You show me a place like that and I'll be there!" As he walked away, I said, partly to him and partly to the heavens, "That's what we're all about, Charlie...that's what we're all about..."
Please God, let the Jacobs and the brothers take a lesson from Pharaoh and value the dreamers among us. Let the church rise to the challenge and let the apostolic--God's wisdom for heavenly government--replace competition and political heirarchies. Let it be what all of us are all about...
Read again the story of Joseph in Genesis, chapters 37-45.
I've been thinking of the Joseph of amazing technicolor dreamcoat fame. If ever a man dreamed beyond the confines of his current "context", it was Joseph the Hebrew. His brothers had absoltely no grid in which to cast his dreams--dreams which, to their mind, violated cultural sensibilities and identified Joseph as a selfish aggrandizer. Joseph's faher, Jacob, had the heart to provide his favored son a context, but couldn't wrap his head around the dream's implication that he would bow down to his own son! Amazingly, Joseph, the man given dreams by God, found NO context in God's earthly expression, the nation of Israel, the offspring of Abraham. Abraham had looked for a city that was not of this earth, but Jacob and his sons couldn't see past their own camels.
So, Joseph, through no choice of his own, was forced to find context in a foreign land! He was forced outside the covenant of promise into Egypt, a land large enough to accommodate a vision from eternity and a gifted heart. In Egypt, the reaction to Joseph's abilities (and yes, Joseph may have been more hesitant to show them off after his pit experience), was not a threatened one, but rather one of appreciation. First in Potiphar's house, then in prison and ultimately in the palace of Pharaoh, Joseph found context for his visionary giftedness. In fact, it was the pharaoh himself who provided Joseph with the ultimate context for the fulfillment of his youthful dreams! Look at Pharaoh's reaction when he sees the gift in the Hebrew slave whose vision exceeds all his own magicians'. He does not react with intimidation, as did the brothers and even the father. Rather, he is secure enough in his position (as pharaoh's generally were) to follow a John Maxwell leadership principle and put the guy with influence in his cabinet!!!!
It amazes me that the "world" provided more context for Joseph than the "church" of his day, but then again it is vaguely familiar (I refer you back to the previous blog entry where U2 was discussed...). What is more amazing is the reason that this was the case. Was it that Pharaoh--all-powerful in government--feared no challenge to his authority, or was it instead that the Egyptian culture had more appreciation for the value of the supernatural and the prophetic than the nation of Israel? Either way, we should feel challenged.
Someone once said that while the release of the prophetic in the church presents a challenge to religion, the apostolic presents a challenge to politics! In other words, a true apostolic church is one who understands how to create context, that is, to release and make room for ministry, rather than nervously hold on to title and position (And believe me, I know what fear that strikes into even the purest of hearts...making room can be messy!) But, if a pagan pharaoh can believe it is his destiny to rule a land, how much more can Christian leaders relax in the notion that their own place is secure!! Pharaoh had no real connection to God, only a sense of the eternal! We have the confidence of relationship with the living God--the administrator of the whole big picture! We do not have to fear his misplacing our resume!
Old Testament Egypt has always been an allegory for the world and rightly so. But more than ever we live in a world that is open to the supernatural. We live in a world that is more ready to accept dreamers and seers than perhaps ever before. We live in a world that is open to the art and expression that comes from the furnaces of true spirituality. Wouldn't it be sad--no tragic--if only Egypt celebrated the Christian art we criticized? Wouldn't it be sad if the word "grace" became more understood in Pharaoh's palace than at the altar??? It doesn't have to be this way.
I mentioned the 50th anniversary reunion for my husbands' parents. Because Peg and Eldon Brownback are rare individuals who have spent a lifetime creating a haven for the hurting while asking nothing in return, all kinds of relatives turned out to honor them. Many of them had not been to a family event of this kind in years and there was a real sense of joy about getting together. One nephew cooked a huge celebratory meal complete with french names for the hors d'oeuvres and everything. A true artist, Charlie was in the kitchen all day, entertaining us with humor and educating us to the joys of food properly prepared--demonstrating all the while that, like food, life itself should be savored! At the end of the day, someone started a conversation about church and Charlie explained the reasons why he did not attend, even though he believed in God quite strongly. I couldn't help myself--I went there! "Charlie," I said, "What if there were a church that allowed you to be you--wild man that you are? What if there were a place that did it without the pretense and the rank and formality and what if you could experience church as true fellowship--heart-to-heart--as you have here with us?" I went on to say, "You are the kind of person who gives their whole heart to everything--I can tell that easily--and you are the first kind of person who gets hurt in many churches who don't know how to handle your zeal and candor. But, I believe God is doing a new thing and helping the church become truly a place where you no longer have to pretend and where you can be youself and know a God who only wants to pour out his life upon you, rather than conform you to a mold of religiosity!"
Poor Charlie--he had pushed my context button! He was ready to exit my presence after my little preaching stint (and who could blame him), but as he turned to go, he said, "You show me a place like that and I'll be there!" As he walked away, I said, partly to him and partly to the heavens, "That's what we're all about, Charlie...that's what we're all about..."
Please God, let the Jacobs and the brothers take a lesson from Pharaoh and value the dreamers among us. Let the church rise to the challenge and let the apostolic--God's wisdom for heavenly government--replace competition and political heirarchies. Let it be what all of us are all about...
Read again the story of Joseph in Genesis, chapters 37-45.
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