"Where I've been" is trying to edit and self-publish a book! (I had no idea...the elitism that sems to pervade the publishing industry may just be well-deserved...this is so hard, that is, if you want to do it right and I am certainly plagued with that disease!) I have plunged deep into the mysterious and terrifying world of copyright permissioning. I have been tracking down and e-mailing authors and publishing houses, seeking their written permission to reference their intellectual property in my little 100 copy book run! For the most part, especially among the smaller publishing houses, I have met with good will and generosity. However, some of the larger firms have scared me enough to change my mind about quoting and, let me just say, there will be NO song lyrics quoted in my book, even though I am a passionate babbler about the spiritual meanings behind "secular" pop lyrics!
I never dreamed there could be this much legal minutia and red tape in the simple exercise of writing down one's free speech! What a strange world it seems where people own ideas and words as possessions, and the value placed on honest thought is determined by the market. In my deepest, and least useful, moments of wonderment, I have questioned whether ANY thought is ever purely original! Do we just, in thermodynamic accuracy, pass around the same energy of thought, expressing it through different lips, eyes, paintbrushes and laptops? Is there just one ocean of swirling truth that passes between us all, nothing being created or destroyed, just changing forms? (Told you it was deep--and useless...)
In my more practical moments (and I don't do those well or often), I have wished for a long talk with God about the reasons in his grand design that I didn't just "get published". Why couldn't I have been the one in my half a million people that someone discovered in obscurity and took on as a project? In addition to wearing that badge of validation ("published author"), I would have been able to use in conversation the important sounding phrase, "my editor", referring to the person assigned to help take my pages of messy potential from manuscript to marketable copy! And presumably, "my editor" would have helped me convince the world that I didn't want to exploit their intellectual property!
Until today I had no answer to satisfy me regarding the necessity of this "indie" journey, only a couple of dozen folks who kept reassuring me that self-publishing was the way to go, few of whom had actually done it! But today, as I was changing yet another wording in my little book, sanity suddenly erupted from within and I had, yes, wait for it---another epiphany. I realized, seriously, that in my promised land of publishing, I had allowed myself to adopt the mentality of the ten unbelieving spies, rather than the faith of Joshua and Caleb. I was saying, basically, "There are giants in the land and I'm just a grasshopper in their eyes," as if they held the key to my future. This as opposed to the more God-pleasing Joshua and Caleb who viewed the same giants, but simply said, "Let's do it!"
In that moment of clarity, I realized my independence! I am not dependent on who else I point to for validation. Strip away every reference in my writing to those whom I respect (already "published" authors) and even my wonderful references to current trends (so often made via song lyrics), and I still have something to say! Deny me permission to quote and confine me to what I am absolutely sure came only from my private musings, and I still have a message. I am not an echo; rather, I am making my own sound! The opposition and the obscurity and the feeling that a thousand gates into the market had been barred were worth it all! To take the "promised land" metaphor forward into complete overkill: In the fearful dance I was doing to avoid treading on others' intellectual property, I had somehow discovered that the territory on which I stood really was my own! Admidst the clamor, I had heard my own voice.
In my favorite book by C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces, (which is also one of his most unknown), the main character, after years of stoic and noble endurance, finally pours out a long and resentful complaint about her lot in life to the supernatural powers-that-be. Like a geyser of venom, all her confused resentment erupts without warning. In the shock of hearing herself, she finds an amazing thing. She realizes that, for the first time, she has really heard her own voice.
I have been writing for years, giving it my all, nobly enduring rejection and obscurity and, even recently, trying to live in positive anticipation on this new route of "self-publishing". But, like C.S. Lewis' Orual, my life's journey has finally pushed me into a corner that has caused me to dig deep. I almost gave up, thinking it was too much trouble. But, today, staring at my computer screen while editing my book, I believe that I have really heard my own voice. From the place within that is accessed only by real-time struggle, I realized that I really do have something to say! Giants in the publishing land (or church land, or educational land, or legal land) notwithstanding, I refuse to declare myself a grasshopper any longer, for I have heard my own authentic voice. Something on paper is just a matter of time.
Kingdom interdependence is real and I desperately need (and always will need) my friends and journeymates. But the Kingdom is scored by authentic sounds, created by those who lean on no one else and worry about nothing else. So, here's to all you Kingdom dreamers who have been tempted to resign yourselves to being an echo--don't give up. The world is changed by authentic voices, but they, like diamond, are formed only by underground pressure. Your struggle is worth it. (Perhaps, like me, you have felt desperate to get your voice heard, when in fact, you might have been in the process of actually hearing it yourself! We seem to all run ahead of God's train unknowingly.)
When Jesus interrupted the persecution efforts of Saul of Tarsus, he told him, "I will make you a minister and witness..." (Acts 26:16) In the most dramatic conversion in history, Saul became Paul. But what followed was not immediate public ministry. Paul spent 14 or so years in the wilderness of Arabia being, as Jesus had promised, "made"! The apostle who emerged from the desert was no echo, but an authentic voice--one that is still speaking to literal millions today.
It's all an "indie" journey, really. We are all really self-publishing something with this life that has been given us. We are all recording from the studio in our own basement. Even if we find a way to mass produce the message, the quality all goes back to the work that has been done (and is being done) in our own hearts. So...walk on...and trust...and discover the joy that God takes in bringing forth your authentic voice!
